Gingerbread Woman

Who's the Daddy?

Is on a par with 'how much do you weight?' as a question I relish answering.

I'm not going to pretend I've never had a one night stand before. Some of you would, frankly, roar at the suggestion. It is true to say however that I've never had a one night stand with someone I knew absolutely nothing about, before. He was, you may remember, a very pretty man I met in a pub. Fresh out of college and enchanting on a number of levels. We had a beautiful night together. Having said that, it's not how I'd chose to have babies in my ideal life.

There's actually nothing like a decade of dating women to make child adoring women think about the role of the father. I'd decided I'd adopt or foster, assuming my relationships would continue to be with women. I'd decided that a kid needs a father, and bringing a kid into the world with a set of problems I've created is crazy, when there are so many kids with much worse problems I could solve. I'd decided that having a fathers involvement if I chose to have a kid in a female relationship, would be critical. Then realised how complicated that would be and flopped back, brain weary, onto the 'solve not create problems' pillow.

All of which, with the benefit of hindsight screams, 'ah huh, modern girl, you not heard of sleeping with your wellies on then?'
All of which screams, 'it's not like this is something you've not thought about, so think about it lady'.

I guess I had a hard time with Dad having a hard time partly because he didn't say anything I hadn't thought first when it came to the 'how could you?' strain of the conversation.
I know.

But we are where we are. I've written a lovely letter the boy, and we've talked, gently, kindly to each other. I've told him that given the choice I'd like my kid to know both it's parents. I can't do much more. If I never hear from him again, then letting him know how to contact us and reminding him gently that's is not too late is all I can do.
At a much later date.
For now I'm just leaving him be.
Hoping he'll come to the decision I'd like him to come to, of his own accord. What else can I do? Any pressure from me that led him there would be rubbish later down the line if it wasn't where he wanted to be.

Knowing that actually I need to think 'it's you and me baby and we'll be just fine'.

Which I do, but that doesn't stop me hoping.
Doesn't stop me checking my phone daily and waking up in the middle of every night to ponder if he'll be in touch. It's not about him, for me. I don't want anything for me. I just want to give my kid the best chance of being self assured, feeling adored and spending energy on something more positive that wondering why Daddy doesn't love them or what Daddy is like.

So, whilst I don't mind the nearest and dearest asking 'who's the Daddy', when random folk, like the bloke I dated once who I told to stop him pestering for a date, or the girl who took over my job down under and is now back at my office, ask. I tend to be a tad twitchy about the whole damn thing.

posted by The Gypsy @ 12:46 pm