Gingerbread Woman

Mad about the boy

A friend asked at the weekend 'is it boys now then?'. Questions like this are pretty much par for the course for anyone honest enough to own the title bisexual (and you'd be suprised how many aren't, I know women who describe themselves as straight because, for example, 'i sleep with women but only love men' and lesbians who refuse to shift that tag despite having had long and if you probe, for a time at least, sexually and romantically fulfilling marriages). Whilst internet dating I was amazed by the number of men who had ticked the 'straight' box who sent me confessional emails explaining their same sex sex filled schooldays, because I hadn't. I understand all this. Bi isn't an easy title to wear. People assume you're into swinging or polymonogomy (I love that word, it's hilariously lacking it's own irony), or that life is all open relationships and ditching girls for boys and boys for girls. None of which have ever been what it's about for me.

I never intended to start dating women, I just fell for one and am too much of a romantic to let what feels like it may be a good thing, pass me by. When I met Hannah I had assumed that my first girlfriend was a one off and that dating men again was the future. Hannah had an initial impact that no one else had ever had. I felt, literally, blown across the room at the sight of her and realised pretty quickly that maybe the girl thing was more prolific than 'a' girl. Then, after two long term relationships with women, spanning more than a decade, it seemed silly on some levels to object when people used words to describe me other than bisexual. I knew I was a person not gender romantic, but explaining that and getting past all the phobia it entailed was something I only did around my gay friends, or when asked.

Things have shifted a tad for me lately though. Part of the attraction of women for me has always been that they're not men. The men in my life have, on the whole, been a bit rubbish. The women in my life have been emotionally intelligent, strong, loyal and easy to communicate with. I learnt pretty quickly that dating girls didn't actually guarantee a sense of sisterhood free from the worst of male female relationships, girlfriend number one went off to have tea with an ex and didn't come back for three days, for example. But I still felt until very recently, like, on the whole, women were much more my thing.

The physical revolution started with Germaine Greer's book on the beauty of boys, published about 2 years ago. Her photographs made me think of men as sexy again, not least because she had taken them. Then came the Balinese prince and the fact he was the first man to have the 'Hannah effect' on me, even if that was the relationship least likely to succeed ever. Then Frazer, Freddie's dad, who I really found sexy and had a very relaxed and amusing time with. So gradually, over a couple of years and the same number of men, I came to stop viewing sexiness as a predominantly female domain.

Then came the more important mental revolution. I'd always had a few lovely male friends, but they were countable on one hand and usually gay. Then my friends finally stopped being fucked about by men not nearly as interesting, beautiful or together as them, and started introducing me to men I actually enjoyed spending time with. Most of my close girlfriends are now settled with men I adore. It still suprises me because mostly, both the school girls and uni girls took a long time finding them and I'd assumed that was because such men didn't exist beyond the cinema and odd Nelson Mandela type.

I am finding this all a bit amazing actually. I feel like life has an miraculous way of delivering what you need, and that, given I'm entering a 'here comes the son' phase of my life, I needed to learn to celebrate men. That doesn't mean I've stopped celebrating women, just that for the first time, there's an equality around gender that I've been missing from my life. Ironically, it's taken this long for me actually to live up to my labels and values. I'm hoping it makes me a better mother as well as a more open minded woman.

posted by The Gypsy @ 9:58 am